Recently, I was presented with an opportunity to support a teen through a situation that required what I call in-the-trenches self-advocacy. This type of self-advocacy is required when someone is targeted by unwanted, and emotionally aggressive behavior. Self-advocacy of this kind becomes necessary when the generalized upstander approach isn’t enough. When faced with unwelcome circumstances, many teens and young adults struggle with putting upstander skills into action.
Being prepared helps, so here are the steps I took to support one teen’s practice of self-advocacy:
Listen. Ask open-ended questions. Listen more. Ask for feedback. Keep listening. Ask clarifying questions. And listen even more. We adults are really good at talking, so keep the soap box in the closet. (I have delivered spectacular lectures to plenty of young adults on any number of topics, only to watch their eyes quickly glaze over.) Instead, keep your own ears open and, if you aren’t asking a question, say as little as possible. Ask as many questions as you can (think of this as an interview), and strive to pepper your kid with open-ended and clarifying questions. When you don’t know what else to say, go with, “What else do I need to know?” If appropriate, be sure to include, “Do you need help figuring this out?” and “What do you need from me?” Include comprehension checks in order to make sure you’ve understood what your kid is telling you, which allows you both to verify what you’ve heard. Comprehension checks also demonstrate that you’re fully present in the conversation. In order to best support kids, we adults have to be sure we really understand the situation, and you can’t do that if you’re talking over them. If your teen is an escape artist, try having this conversation in the car.
Together, identify sources of support. If the situation calls for further action, help your child brainstorm possible resources. Until this skill is well-honed, most young adults will need significant help with this step, and you shouldn’t be shy about providing it. I like to start with “Hmmm...I wonder who could help with this…” Some teens will be able to think of a few resources, but plenty of kids will be stumped. This is a critical moment, because you get to offer support while modeling an important problem-solving skill. Demonstrating how to access existing support is a critical lesson for our maturing teens and young adults. As you brainstorm sources of support together be sure to include: your child, yourself and co-parents, family (both immediate and extended), friends, friends’ parents, teachers, school site administrators, and even local agencies. Self-care is also important. Supporting a child through a difficult experience takes its toll on parents. Be sure to identify and access your own sources of support. And, while this can be challenging, remember to respect your child’s need for privacy as you do.
Create a plan. Having a plan can be a source of comfort and hope when a child is the target of unwelcome behavior. Again, this is an exercise in listening, but with ample opportunity for adult feedback. Begin by asking your child how she wants to take a stand. Make sure to repeat back what you hear from her to be sure that you’re on the same page. Because kids are still learning, it’s important to be a voice of reason; provide your own feedback about what seems feasible, and what you think needs to be outsourced. This is a team effort with a long-term goal of teaching young adults how to drive the entire process independently, but it’s likely that they aren’t ready to take the helm just yet. The process doesn’t have to be formal, although I find it helpful to write down an outline of the plan. Because situations that require in-the-trenches self-advocacy can be complex, it’s important to explain that your teen might have to be patient for longer than she feels she can tolerate, but that things won’t stay the same forever. In fact, when I’m in what feels like an unbearable space, my own mantra is “No matter what, things won’t feel this bad forever.” and sharing that with our teens and young adults can be helpful. At the conclusion of this step, you and your child will be armed with a list of action items.
Check in with your child. At regular and reliable intervals, briefly check in with your teen to be sure the plan is on track, and give her status updates on your own action items from your plan. As you create your plan, it’s wise to tell your young adult that you’ll follow up with her simply by saying: “This is important to me, so I’m going to check in with you about this just to be sure things are going okay.” Somehow, knowing you’re going to be a pest feels less pest-like than if it’s unexpected. These regular check-ins allow you and your child to make necessary adjustments to the plan, and they give you the opportunity to provide positive feedback and course corrections.
Working with teens and young adults to create solutions to the complex challenges they face allows them to experience a profound sense of satisfaction that cannot be replicated through any other experience in life. It also provides young adults with important practice of significant life skills, including developing resilience. In-the-trenches self-advocacy is a valuable tool that can be accessed by anyone with the right support.
If you and your teen would like help practicing this and other skills, please reach out to me to schedule an informational meeting: jennifer.labovich@marinteencoach.com