Teenage use of smokable substances: Information and Inspiration to talk

Teenage use of smokable substances has been on my mind lately, and a bizarre (kismet, some would suggest) sequence of events has led me to compose this post. I am not a drug counselor or expert; I do have frequent conversations with lots of teens and their parents.

Recently, I initiated a search for a substance-use expert to deliver a data-driven talk for parents and kids about teenage use of controlled substances, and came across Dr. Jennifer Golick’s name. Within a week of discovering her work, I learned that tragically, Dr. Golick was one of the three mental health professionals who were killed in the shooting at Pathway Home, a home for veterans in Yountville.

In honor of her life and work, and because the information Dr. Golick delivered in similar talks throughout the Bay Area and beyond, I’m posting the recording of Dr. Golick's 2015 talk at Drake High School titled The Elephant in the Living Room: Having Difficult Conversations with your Teen around Cannabis Use .

I encourage anyone who shares any part of their life with tweens and teens to set aside 40 minutes to watch (or listen) to this straightforward, data-driven talk about the effects of cannabis use on teens’ developing brains (spoiler alert: today’s cannabis (including the preferred method of delivery and the culture around its use) is NOT the same as the marijuana of yesteryear). In fact, while it may produce an eyeroll  or two, watching or listening together with your teen can be a helpful catalyst to a deeper, more personal conversation. If you are the teen’s parent, it may even help you to establish or reinforce your family’s limitations on that use.

Here are a couple of teasers to pique your interest and to inspire you to watch:

  • The THC content of the marijuana teens have access to today via dab is 50-90%; the THC concentration of marijuana available from the 60’s-90’s was 2-5% and 20-30% in the early 2000’s.
  • As a result of that potency, the old adage “You can’t get addicted to pot!” is no longer true.
  • The Dunedin Study, an impressive long-term study showed that drug use before the brain reaches maturity between 18-25 causes a permanent drop in IQ not experienced by drug use after the brain reaches maturity.
  • Beginning in middle school, and continuing throughout high school, talk with kids about what they know, what they see and what they experience.
  • If you sense that there’s a problem, get help early.

I don’t allow fear to drive my actions and decisions, and I have no desire to fan any fearful flames. That said, it’s important for teens (and tweens) and the responsible adults in their lives to be well-informed. These conversations can be challenging and uncomfortable both for teens and adults, but teens can’t accurately guess the boundaries adults hold for them without adults specifically stating what they are, so don't be afraid to state those boundaries explicitly.

Here are a few resources if you’d like to read more:

If you’d like help with this, or any other conversation with your teen (or if you’re a teen, and you’d like help with this or any other conversation with the adults in your life), email me at jennifer.labovich@marinteencoach.com


 

What I do.

Typically, when I tell people that I'm a teen coach, I receive a curious raise of the eyebrows and tilt of the head, followed by questions. It's been a long time since my last blog post, so now seems like a good time to break down what I do as a teen coach. 

When I meet a new client, I focus wholly on getting to know him or her. I usually offer a warning that the first session might feel like an interview, which actually puts many new clients at ease since the burden of carrying the conversation is on me. As we talk, clients reveal areas of stress or concern (some examples are: organizing belongings (including anything from schoolwork to personal possessions); learning to cook; tending to a car; household management; developing and maintaining relationships with peers, romantic interests, parents, teachers, etc.; creating and sticking to a schedule; creating a strategy for completing projects of all kinds; approaches to decisions of varying magnitude; etc.) and this information offers a foundation for the next step in our work: identifying areas of focus and action items. Some clients are able to articulate what they'd like to work on; others need and want that information reflected back to them. Over time, I teach my clients how to identify and craft goals for themselves, and I ask them to participate in the creation of achievable action items. The part that many parents love most is that during sessions and in between sessions, I follow up with clients about their progress which provides accountability while removing stress from the parent-child relationship. Over time, my clients and I celebrate their successes and growth. We also engage in a perpetual process of identifying areas of focus which are sometimes new and sometimes recycled. I happily work with all clients who want support.

I love my work, and I love to talk about it! Email me at jennifer.labovich@marinteencoach.com if you'd like to learn more.

 

 

Planning for Finals (Don't wait!)

It’s here! The end of the school year is nigh, which means many teens are feeling simultaneously excited and overwhelmed. Organizing oneself to prepare effectively for final exams can be difficult for lots of students. If, like many kids, your child seems to lack direction and clarity in this arena, take heart! I have some ideas.

Most young adults need help to organize themselves around studying. Pre-planning can make a big difference both in how teens feel at this time of year, and how they perform on their tests. As with anything in life there are lots of approaches, but I’m going to stick with just one (You and your teen should feel free to customize this approach so it works best for her/him). The goal? Have a conversation with your young adult with the intended outcome of creating a Final Exam Study Plan (for the sake of self-amusement, we’re going to call this a FESP). Some kids will do this happily and others will express reluctance, and in the end, most teens will feel grateful for the help whether or not they ever say so.

About two-three weeks before your teen starts their final exams, schedule some uninterrupted time with him or her. In order for this planning session to be successful, your child should have the following materials on hand: exam schedule, study guides, his or her agenda, and an open mind.

When you’re ready, use the following questions to guide the conversation. I like to take notes throughout; it keeps my clients (and my kids) and me honest and on track:

  • In which classes will you take a final exam?

  • When do you take which tests?

  • How confident do you feel about the material? OR How ready are you for the test? (The goal of this question is to help your child figure out how much review they need to do vs. how much learning, because learning takes more effort and time than reviewing.) Don’t be surprised if your child struggles to answer this question accurately, or if you get a brush-off answer like “I’m good…” Most teens have a pretty good sense of how well they know the material; not all of them are comfortable giving a forthright answer. It’s okay to push your teen here for accuracy since it will lead to a much more accurate study plan.

  • How much time do you need to study for your math, English, Spanish, science, etc. test? Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty: It’s time to talk about budgeting time. This can get complicated, so please don’t expect it to be simple. It’s asking too much for many teens to get this right when looking at studying an entire semester’s worth of material, so we break it down for them. Again, there are many approaches, but I’d stick with either dividing the number of chapters, major concepts, or study guide pages by the number of days available to study. This makes the whole process more manageable. As the responsible adult in the family, you can and should offer feedback about timing. Questions like, “Hm. You said you need 10 minutes to learn the French Revolution. Do you think that’s realistic?” will be much more helpful than, “There’s no way you can learn everything you need to know about the French Revolution in 10 minutes!”  

  • Okay! Let’s look at the calendar and map out when you’re going to do all this studying! Once you have an estimate of the amount of time your child will need to study and review the material covered, it's time to bring out the calendar. I like to start at the end and work backwards to the present. You already have a breakdown of how much time your child needs in order to be prepared, and you also have their calendar available, so now it’s time to plug in study time. Don’t forget to leave space for breaks! The human brain works best with brief breaks every twenty minutes or so; leave space for self-care!

It’s helpful to remember that you’re modeling good time management and planning strategies to your teen, and you’re also offering him or her practice and support. It’s unlikely this will “take” after just one time, so be prepared to do this again the next time your child is approaching finals. Teens can also practice these important planning skills throughout the semester with larger projects and tests.

Good luck!

What Teens Need: Part 2

Last week, I wrote about the first of two critical experiences nearly every teen needs. This week, I’m following up with the second of those experiences.

Most teens I’ve met yearn to be treated as though they are as sophisticated as adults without losing sight of their relative proximity to childhood. Young adults are simultaneously hurtling towards adulthood while feeling terrified that they’ve left childhood behind for good. The responsible adults in teens’ lives are left walking a tightrope between those distinct life experiences. I navigate this potentially challenging intersection by communicating with teens with as much sophistication and respect as I afford my adult friends while finding ways to remind teens that I know they are still kids, and that they get to continue to enjoy the emotional safety of childhood for a little bit longer.* Here are a few ideas for ways parents can tap into their teen’s childhood experiences:

  • offer to rub their back as they fall asleep

  • make their favorite childhood breakfast

  • do a chore they have long since taken over for themselves

  • play a childhood game together

Whatever you do, engage your teen as you brainstorm. Doing so will bring you closer together and it might even surprise you.


* Emotional safety isn’t the same as freedom from responsibility; the development of life skills and responsible decision-making are critical components of development, and both should be practiced and honed throughout childhood. The goal is to raise adults, not emotional children trapped in adult bodies and minds!

What Teens Need: Part 1

Often, when I talk with other adults about my work with teens, I am met with a gasp, a raised eyebrow, a funny look, a wince, a shrug of the shoulders, and almost always, a wonder-filled question about how tough it must be to work with teenagers. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I love working with teens. Like people at any age, teens are nuanced, fun and funny, kind, and almost always vulnerable. Through years of working with teens, I’ve discovered two critical experiences nearly every teen yearns for. I'm sharing the first today, and will be back next week with the second.

 

We swaddle babies, we wipe away the tears of toddlers, and we hug and kiss elementary school-aged kids, all in order to remind the people we love best that they are safe, loved, important and cared for. When our children enter their teenage years (and sometimes as early as tween-hood) it’s common for kids to reject the physical expression of their parents’ affection and support. And so, as the adults in their lives, we are forced to pivot in order to find a new way to give teens the emotional experience of receiving a hug sometimes without actually hugging them.


The job of the teen is to push outward, exploring the outer edges of their emotional landscape and boundaries. The work of the caring adults in their lives is to push inward, providing gentle, yet firm, consistent pressure against the outward teenage push. That's the hug! Every kid needs it. Although this hug takes as many forms as there are teens in the world, some examples include: setting boundaries and sticking to them, even if everyone else’s parents are doing something different; providing reasonable, measured consequences when boundaries are crossed; carving out time to connect on a regular basis; creating a ritual shared only by you and your teen. If you’d like to come up with your own list, and you’re stumped, try asking your teen to talk about when s/he is most aware of your love. It’s possible you’ll be met with a shrug, but you might be surprised by a more inciteful response.

If you'd like some homework, spend some time thinking, talking or writing about what you think your child's hug might look like, and if you don't have a teen to practice on at home, think about what your highly individual hug might have looked like when you were a teen. 

 

Teaching Self-Advocacy

Recently, I was presented with an opportunity to support a teen through a situation that required what I call in-the-trenches self-advocacy. This type of self-advocacy is required when someone is targeted by unwanted, and emotionally aggressive behavior. Self-advocacy of this kind becomes necessary when the generalized upstander approach isn’t enough. When faced with unwelcome circumstances, many teens and young adults struggle with putting upstander skills into action.

Being prepared helps, so here are the steps I took to support one teen’s practice of self-advocacy:

Listen. Ask open-ended questions. Listen more. Ask for feedback. Keep listening. Ask clarifying questions. And listen even more. We adults are really good at talking, so keep the soap box in the closet. (I have delivered spectacular lectures to plenty of young adults on any number of topics, only to watch their eyes quickly glaze over.) Instead, keep your own ears open and, if you aren’t asking a question, say as little as possible. Ask as many questions as you can (think of this as an interview), and strive to pepper your kid with open-ended and clarifying questions. When you don’t know what else to say, go with, “What else do I need to know?” If appropriate, be sure to include, “Do you need help figuring this out?” and “What do you need from me?” Include comprehension checks in order to make sure you’ve understood what your kid is telling you, which allows you both to verify what you’ve heard. Comprehension checks also demonstrate that you’re fully present in the conversation. In order to best support kids, we adults have to be sure we really understand the situation, and you can’t do that if you’re talking over them. If your teen is an escape artist, try having this conversation in the car.

Together, identify sources of support. If the situation calls for further action, help your child brainstorm possible resources. Until this skill is well-honed, most young adults will need significant help with this step, and you shouldn’t be shy about providing it. I like to start with “Hmmm...I wonder who could help with this…” Some teens will be able to think of a few resources, but plenty of kids will be stumped. This is a critical moment, because you get to offer support while modeling an important problem-solving skill. Demonstrating how to  access existing support is a critical lesson for our maturing teens and young adults. As you brainstorm sources of support together be sure to include: your child, yourself and co-parents, family (both immediate and extended), friends, friends’ parents, teachers, school site administrators, and even local agencies. Self-care is also important. Supporting a child through a difficult experience takes its toll on parents. Be sure to identify and access your own sources of support. And, while this can be challenging, remember to respect your child’s need for privacy as you do.

Create a plan. Having a plan can be a source of comfort and hope when a child is the target of unwelcome behavior. Again, this is an exercise in listening, but with ample opportunity for adult feedback. Begin by asking your child how she wants to take a stand. Make sure to repeat back what you hear from her to be sure that you’re on the same page. Because kids are still learning, it’s important to be a voice of reason; provide your own feedback about what seems feasible, and what you think needs to be outsourced. This is a team effort with a long-term goal of teaching young adults how to drive the entire process independently, but it’s likely that they aren’t ready to take the helm just yet.  The process doesn’t have to be formal, although I find it helpful to write down an outline of the plan. Because situations that require in-the-trenches self-advocacy can be complex, it’s important to explain that your teen might have to be patient for longer than she feels she can tolerate, but that things won’t stay the same forever. In fact, when I’m in what feels like an unbearable space, my own mantra is “No matter what, things won’t feel this bad forever.” and sharing that with our teens and young adults can be helpful. At the conclusion of this step, you and your child will be armed with a list of action items.

Check in with your child. At regular and reliable intervals, briefly check in with your teen to be sure the plan is on track, and give her status updates on your own action items from your plan. As you create your plan, it’s wise to tell your young adult that you’ll follow up with her simply by saying: “This is important to me, so I’m going to check in with you about this just to be sure things are going okay.” Somehow, knowing you’re going to be a pest feels less pest-like than if it’s unexpected. These regular check-ins allow you and your child to make necessary adjustments to the plan, and they give you the opportunity to provide positive feedback and course corrections.

Working with teens and young adults to create solutions to the complex challenges they face allows them to experience a profound sense of satisfaction that cannot be replicated through any other experience in life. It also provides young adults with important practice of significant life skills, including developing resilience. In-the-trenches self-advocacy is a valuable tool that can be accessed by anyone with the right support.

If you and your teen would like help practicing this and other skills, please reach out to me to schedule an informational meeting: jennifer.labovich@marinteencoach.com